Why Every Expat Struggling Abroad Gets Caught in This Trap

If you’re an expat struggling abroad you may have been surprised to find that your move abroad that was supposed to bring happiness and a fresh start, hasn’t exactly delivered what you expected. If so, you’re in good company. Many people move abroad hoping that a new country, and the pursuit of a life that looks nothing like the one they left behind, will be the secret to happiness. When instead they also find loneliness, homesickness, and frustration, they may wonder if they’ve made a mistake.

In my work with expats struggling abroad what I’ve found is that many people move abroad only to find that the problems they were hoping to leave at home find a way into their suitcase. This is often because, regardless of where we are in the world, even if it’s the most “instagrammable” place on the planet, we can’t entirely escape painful thoughts and feelings. Constant happiness is just not possible as a human being.

Many of my clients end up feeling disappointed or frustrated with themselves when they’re struggling. Instead of seeing these feelings as a normal part of the human experience, they see them as a sign that they’re failing at expat life. Surely it’s proof they made a mistake and should move home. After all, everyone around them seems to be thriving so why aren’t they?

There’s a natural reason we want to get rid of discomfort or pain in these sorts of situations. We’re built to survive, and avoiding physical pain actually keeps us alive. If I step off the curb and realize there’s an oncoming car, it’s great that my brain can tell me to get out of the way so that I jump back on the curb. However, our brain tends to respond the same way to emotional pain and this leads to numerous problems and maintains psychological distress. After all–

That which we resist, persists.

A New Definition of Happiness for Expats Struggling Abroad

Instead of aiming for happiness, or the absence of painful thoughts and feelings, what we need to aim for instead is happiness that’s defined as “living a fulfilling and meaningful life.”

When we go after things that are fulfilling and meaningful, we are bound to come up against fear, stress, anxiety, self-doubt, and many other uncomfortable things. This is especially true for expats and global nomads, who are constantly navigating identity shifts, cultural adjustment, and the loneliness that comes with building a life far from the familiar and your former social support. In short, it’s practically inevitable to find yourself as an expat struggling abroad at one point or another.

Acceptance and Commitment Coaching (based on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) is the approach I keep coming back to after more than a decade of working with globally mobile clients.

Acceptance and Commitment Coaching (ACC) has two main pillars:

Acceptance

Commitment

Let me explain more below what each of those means.

Acceptance of Difficult Thoughts and Feelings

ACC is a mindfulness-based framework that emphasizes the importance of making space for painful thoughts and feelings so that they don’t hold us back from doing things that are important to us.

For instance, ACC would help you to accept painful thought patterns such as imposter syndrome, “shoulds,” or “what ifs” that might keep you from fully engaging in your life abroad. Acceptance does not mean resigning yourself to these thought patterns, or enjoying them. It means learning how to observe the thought patterns in a way that detaches you from them so that they aren’t the thing determining what actions you take. Acceptance doesn’t mean resigning yourself to these thought patterns, or even enjoying them. It means learning to observe them in a way that detaches you from them, so that they aren’t the thing determining what actions you take.

ACC can also keep you from getting overwhelmed by painful feelings like loneliness, homesickness, frustration, or anxiety (all common for expats and global nomads). Here’s how this might look when you’re feeling sad, lonely, and homesick in a picturesque new city.

“There’s something wrong with me for feeling this way. Other people would kill for this experience. I’m not cut out to live abroad.

You could say:

“These are normal human emotions to have when moving to a new place. There’s nothing wrong with me for feeling this way.”

When we are able to observe, accept, and self-soothe our painful feelings, they actually tend to pass much faster which is great news when you’re navigating the emotional rollercoaster of life abroad!

Commitment to a Meaningful and Fulfilling Life Abroad

I use ACC to help expats struggling abroad to accept their painful thoughts and feelings, but it isn’t just because it sounds like a nice thing to do. It’s because you need to do that in order to live a life that is meaningful and fulfilling, which is probably why you moved abroad in the first place.

One of the key parts of ACC is to help you identify what they want their life to be about, or in the words of ACC/ACT, to identify your values. 

Once we’ve identified our values and checked in with ourselves about how much our current lives align with them, we usually start to notice some discrepancies. This gap between how we’d like to live, and how we’re actually living, can give us a glimpse at some of the difficult thoughts and feelings that may be holding us back.

For instance, maybe you want to attend an expat meetup, but you’re hooked by worry thoughts (“what if I’m the only new person?” “what if everyone judges me?”) and anxiety which are pulling you in the opposite direction and telling you to STAY HOME.

This moment is sometimes referred to as the choice point in ACT. It’s like being at a fork in the road where one direction is aligned with your values and the other is a result of being “hooked” by the stuff (thoughts, feelings, memories) going on inside of you.

There might be a temptation here to figure out how to get rid of the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings with distraction or positive mantras. After all, these coping strategies may make the discomfort disappear in the short term. However, in the long term, it’s likely to return. So, Instead of waiting until these thoughts and feelings disappear, we need to find strategies to UNHOOK from them. A simple, but powerful one that I often share with clients is “changing BUT for AND.”

CHANGING BUT FOR AND:

Instead of saying:

I would go to the expat meetup, BUT I feel anxious

Say to yourself:

I feel anxious AND I’m going to the expat meetup

Want to Learn More?

If you’re an expat struggling abroad and this resonates, I’d encourage you to start by taking Russ Harris’s free questionnaire, which helps you explore your own relationship with difficult thoughts and feelings: Control of Thoughts and Feelings Questionnaire

These themes of acceptance, self-compassion, and learning to unhook from our inner critic are also woven throughout my debut memoir, A Compassionate Mess: A Therapist, Her Monsters, and a Journey to Self-Acceptance, publishing June 23, 2026. It’s the story of my decade living abroad in Spain and the Netherlands — and the messy, beautiful journey of learning to stop fighting myself.

If you’d like to explore how ACC coaching could support you through your own expat journey, I’d love to connect. You can set up your free discovery call HERE.